It turns out, my brain does this really cool thing when I am afraid of something. It did it with giving birth, and it did it with Florrie starting school – not that I would ever equate the two, though it seems my nervous system does – but that little part of my brain seems to completely shut down, and I don't feel any fear. Whenever I looked at that looming date, along with all of my planning and preparation for Florrie, I felt a big fat nothing when it came to myself.
On reflection, this strange and unusual fearlessness means that I am excellent in an emergency or when the pressure builds at work. It’s probably how I managed to grow a career that began with me spending several years working with some quite intimidating characters in police cells, how at the age of 23 I stepped out onto the wings of all male prisons with nothing but a visitor pass and a notebook to hand.
So it took me by surprise when something as simple as dropping Florrie off to a new place on a Monday morning, really threw me for six. I simply hadn’t anticipated how much the change in routine was going to impact the whole rest of my day. All of a sudden my entire routine, something we fell into when we became parents to a sleep resistant baby, was thrown out. What time do I need to leave to get to school? If I need to go to the shops do I do that before or after pick up? If I work from the office how long does that take me to get to the school gates? How many people at work know that I finish at 2.30 now and how many meetings can I cram in and still get some actual work done? Where do I park the bike? Why do all the parents walk so bloody slowly around the school grounds like they have nowhere else to be? All of these questions required daily mental calculations as I adjusted.
Of course, Florrie brought home new school germs quickly too. As a child with asthma, any sort of cold runs the risk of hitting her extra hard if it settles on her chest, so we had several weeks with a poorly Florrie. We inevitably followed suit, leaving us tired and grotty by day – sleep deprived by night. Now, there are steps we can take as adults to shore up our immune system, and to a certain extent we can try to encourage our children to develop a strong immune system but at this age their immune systems grow through encountering and fighting off these germs – the only way through it is to do it.
This change coincided with an exceptionally high-pressured time for me in my Public Health job too – not showing up for my team was simply not an option. We were facing some intense time pressures, some difficult decisions, and a high level of scrutiny - and I was the leadership. I was needed as much at work as I was at home, and although if push really moves to shove I would choose my family over my job in a heartbeat; life is never really that straightforward.
I was also trying to set up Yoga Mums Club at its new home, at Sensate Spa in Henleaze. Class had just started and as it’s quite a new spot, as an independent contractor you have to find your own students. This means you need to be not just a yoga teacher and yoga student but also a marketing genius, a social media expert, a tech wiz who can build websites and manage booking systems! As you might have imagined, all of this was completely new to me. How naive was I to think that being a yoga teacher involved, well, just teaching yoga.
Are you ready for the good news? Its on its way, I promise.
The good news is that although this definitely phased me, and I definitely at times felt overloaded and overwhelmed – nowadays I have a rock hard self care toolkit to fall back on.
Here is exactly what I did to cope with these several weeks of stress, sickness, tiredness, and the pressure to perform; and how you can use these exact techniques too:
1) I prioritised my resources – my time and my effort.
One of the most common problems I see with women is trying to overachieve. There, I said it. I know you, because I used to be you. Us overachievers have a tendency to set very high standards for themselves, and if you are applying this to all areas of life it’s a recipe for burnout. Instead, we can apply the yogic principle of ‘aparigraha’ – or non attachment. I needed to detach myself from the idea that I was going to achieve highly in all areas of my life at that time. I asked myself the question – what was I going to prioritise 100% (Florrie), what was I going to aim for a solid 70% success rate (work and teaching yoga) and what could I let go of entirely? The answer to that one was social media, marketing, and cooking from scratch at home.
2) I used my hormones wisely
Instead of slacking off on my yoga practise and my daily movement, I doubled down and made them non negotiable. I knew I would need the endorphins that come from movement to help me counteract the stress (and increased cortisol) I was experiencing and that made my walks, runs and cycles even more important. The yoga I used for me-time, to find peace and strength amidst the chaos.
3) I focussed on my energy levels
Surviving this period on a diet of crisps and caffeine would have done nothing but deplete me further. I planned my food shop for the week to include ingredients to batch cooked super simple breakfasts and lunches, kept healthy snacks on hand, and accepted that we were going to live off some really simple repetitive dinners for a while. Food became functional and I prioritised making it as easy as possible to eat nutritious whole foods every few hours through the day- keeping my energy levels stable, knowing that this would also benefit my emotional energy reserves.
4) I threw in a few ‘hacks’
Exercise is great, but exercise in the sunlight in some green space? This creates a greater endorphin response and also stimulates the production of serotonin. Serotonin has a beneficial effect on our sleep quality too, creating extra impact from my twenty minute run.
I used my walks to practise grounding myself in the present, trying to notice 5 things I can see, 4 things I can hear, 3 things I can smell, 2 things I can touch, 1 thing I can taste. This helped me to switch off from one phase of my day to the next one and make the most of the little breaks I carved out for myself.
I had a few mantras I could pull on and repeat to myself whenever I needed a pep talk. One of my favourites is “this is hard. I can do hard things”. I love this one because it doesn’t try to change our perception or introduce any pseudo-positivity but I find int calmly acknowledges and encourages me. Another classic parenting one is "this too shall pass".
Despite the temptation, because of the immediate mind numbing effects, I was very careful with my alcohol intake too. I love a wine as much as the next person but I also know it disrupts my sleep and can leave me feeling even more tense and anxious the next day.
5) I chose compassion
I became very careful of the language I used with myself, internally and otherwise. Its too easy to speak negatively about ourselves. I could have told myself that I was being silly for finding the transition so hard, that I ‘should’ have anticipated it, and even that ‘no-one else seems to be struggling like this’ – but nowadays I don’t let my inner mean girl win out. Every time I spotted myself thinking negatively about myself, during a time when I was genuinely trying my best, I consciously rephrased it. Silly became ‘it’s not silly’, ‘shoulds’ were made redundant and I chose not to believe that I was the only parent in the whole school finding it a struggle!
6) I asked for what I needed
I used to find this so hard. I was brought up to be fiercely independent and needing to rely on others was a sign of weakness. Asking someone to go out of their way for me meant that I was hassling them, creating trouble that I have no right to create. I have challenged these thoughts in recent years, especially as I learn more about the huge positive impact of strong social networks. We can’t grow meaningful relationships if we are not being honest with others about how we are really doing. I have noticed as well how opening up to others also acts as a way of giving them permission to open up to me, so that next time they are struggling they know we have the sort of friendship where I wont shy away from their struggles. What greater gift is that to give a friend?
7) I benefitted from several years of groundwork
Now I will be honest with you. It was relatively easy for me to get to work on all of this because I had already proven to myself the value of each of these techniques. I know they work when applied consistently – and that’s the thing, most of our growth and self care comes down to consistent application of the simple things. Its so easy to overlook the power of lifestyle and neural programming as over simplistic, but when we do this we reinforce the idea that our challenges are too complex, too difficult – and therefore we have no choice but to struggle and wait for someone or something else to save us. The reality is that practising these little acts of self care has made me a stronger more resilient person.
All of the practises above are designed to create a strong baseline – a strong body, strong mind – whatever ‘strong’ is for you; so that we can buckle down and weather the storm.
Take care,
Jen xx
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